The Spinster and The Dogs

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in ‘heat’ and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.  She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when
mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.  Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.  The spinster explained the problem.
The vet said, “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them.  I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch.”
“Oh,” said the spinster, “Do you think that will work?”
“Well,” the vet replied, “IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!”

The Spinster and The Dogs

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in ‘heat’ and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.  She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when
mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.  Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.  The spinster explained the problem.
The vet said, “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them.  I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch.”
“Oh,” said the spinster, “Do you think that will work?”
“Well,” the vet replied, “IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!”

A Hermaphrodite

a woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital.

as soon as she'd recovered, the doctor came to speak to her:

"your baby is in good health, but there's
something important i need to tell you...'

the woman became worried:

"What's the matter with my baby...
tell me please, what's wrong?"

"There's nothing really wrong but your baby
is a little... different. He's a hermaphrodite."

<< Hermaphrodite???
What is that?>>

"Well..it means your baby is..that he has..
all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman!"

The woman pales:
Oh my God !!
you mean he has a penis and a brain..??

A Hermaphrodite

a woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital.

as soon as she'd recovered, the doctor came to speak to her:

"your baby is in good health, but there's
something important i need to tell you...'

the woman became worried:

"What's the matter with my baby...
tell me please, what's wrong?"

"There's nothing really wrong but your baby
is a little... different. He's a hermaphrodite."

<< Hermaphrodite???
What is that?>>

"Well..it means your baby is..that he has..
all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman!"

The woman pales:
Oh my God !!
you mean he has a penis and a brain..??

The Loan

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.


The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.


He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.


The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The Chinese man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks, for only $15.41, and expect it to be there when I return?"


Ah, the mind of the Chinese...

The Loan

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.


The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.


He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.


The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The Chinese man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks, for only $15.41, and expect it to be there when I return?"


Ah, the mind of the Chinese...

Quotes Of The Day.... Stupid things



 Marshal Ferdinand Foch
(In the year 1911) Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value. 

Gerry Brown
The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.

Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment; it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Gib Lewis
I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I am filled with humidity.

Richard Nixon
I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.

George Bush
I have opinions of my own... strong opinions... but I don't always agree with them.

Wally Hickel
You can't just let nature run wild.

Dan Quayle
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.


Quotes Of The Day.... Stupid things



 Marshal Ferdinand Foch
(In the year 1911) Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value. 

Gerry Brown
The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.

Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment; it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Gib Lewis
I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I am filled with humidity.

Richard Nixon
I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.

George Bush
I have opinions of my own... strong opinions... but I don't always agree with them.

Wally Hickel
You can't just let nature run wild.

Dan Quayle
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.


Great Invention ... Head Napkin

Actual Patent Illustration - All Inventions Hold Real USA Patents

Head Napkin 
US Patent  6,212,199*  /  Issued 2001  
Hunters Hide.  They build blinds, they paint their faces and some even rub animal scent all over themselves to better stalk their wary prey.  But our inventor says it's your head that sticks out  like a sore thumb and clues the animals that a human with bad intentions is lurking.  So the inventor devised the Head Napkin, a wire supported camo-print, fabric flap that is sure to fool only geese that need glasses.  But it does work somewhat.  Our extensive in-the-field testing has shown that the Head Napkin is just as effective as wearing a sign that says; "Your don't see me, I'm not here". 


Great Invention ... Head Napkin

Actual Patent Illustration - All Inventions Hold Real USA Patents

Head Napkin 
US Patent  6,212,199*  /  Issued 2001  
Hunters Hide.  They build blinds, they paint their faces and some even rub animal scent all over themselves to better stalk their wary prey.  But our inventor says it's your head that sticks out  like a sore thumb and clues the animals that a human with bad intentions is lurking.  So the inventor devised the Head Napkin, a wire supported camo-print, fabric flap that is sure to fool only geese that need glasses.  But it does work somewhat.  Our extensive in-the-field testing has shown that the Head Napkin is just as effective as wearing a sign that says; "Your don't see me, I'm not here". 


Did you know ? Penguins


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica 
 - where do they go ? 

 !!Wonder no more

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives 
an extremely ordered and complex life. 

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as 
maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout 
its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and   
social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial  
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be 
rolled into and buried. 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow," 
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins ?                 

Did you know ? Penguins


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica 
 - where do they go ? 

 !!Wonder no more

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives 
an extremely ordered and complex life. 

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as 
maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout 
its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and   
social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial  
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be 
rolled into and buried. 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow," 
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins ?                 

Quotes


A well adjusted person is one who makes 
the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Alexander Hamilton

Letting the cat out of the bag is a
whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Don't be afraid your life will end; 
be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Oscar Wilde

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... 
It has no survival value; rather it is 
one of those things that give value to survival.

I am not an Athenian or a Greek, 
but a citizen of the world.
Diogenes

What is forgiven is usually well remembered.
Louis Dudek

Quotes


A well adjusted person is one who makes 
the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Alexander Hamilton

Letting the cat out of the bag is a
whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Don't be afraid your life will end; 
be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Oscar Wilde

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... 
It has no survival value; rather it is 
one of those things that give value to survival.

I am not an Athenian or a Greek, 
but a citizen of the world.
Diogenes

What is forgiven is usually well remembered.
Louis Dudek

Pet Area


Pet Area


Kia NOKia


Kia NOKia


The Jewish Samurai


There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration through-out the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. 

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! "The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly ... Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. 

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" 

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. 

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" 

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

The Jewish Samurai


There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration through-out the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. 

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! "The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly ... Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. 

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" 

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. 

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" 

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Wrong email address



A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years earlier .

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to   Barcelona  on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing
 his error, sent the email. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in  Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My Loving Wife 
Subject: I've Arrived 
Date: November 23, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. 

I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 

Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

Wrong email address



A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years earlier .

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to   Barcelona  on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing
 his error, sent the email. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in  Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My Loving Wife 
Subject: I've Arrived 
Date: November 23, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. 

I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 

Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

The Woman of His Dreams


"Mom, I think I just met the woman of my dreams. Now what do I do?" 

His mother responded, "Why not send her flowers and invite her to your apartment for a nice home-cooked meal?"
"That's a great idea, Mom! I'll set it up for next Saturday night."
On Sunday, Mom called her son to see how it went.
"It was a disaster, Mom," he moaned.
"Why, dear? Didn't she come over?"
"Yeah, she came over all right, but she refused to cook!"

The Woman of His Dreams


"Mom, I think I just met the woman of my dreams. Now what do I do?" 

His mother responded, "Why not send her flowers and invite her to your apartment for a nice home-cooked meal?"
"That's a great idea, Mom! I'll set it up for next Saturday night."
On Sunday, Mom called her son to see how it went.
"It was a disaster, Mom," he moaned.
"Why, dear? Didn't she come over?"
"Yeah, she came over all right, but she refused to cook!"

Proofreading


Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!
  
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?  
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.    
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.   
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
      Really? Ya think? 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
       What a guy!   
---------------------------------------------------------------  

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  They must be UNION! 
------------------------------------------------------  

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

War Dims Hope for Peace  
I can see where it might have that effect! 
---------------------------------------------------------------- 

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
      Who would have thought! 
---------------------------------------------------------------- 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
      They may be on to something! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------  

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 ---------------- ---------------------------------  

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
*************************************************** 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
       Boy, are they tall! 
 *******************************************  

And the winner is....  
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
  
     Did I read that right? 
*************************************************** 

Proofreading


Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!
  
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?  
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.    
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.   
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
      Really? Ya think? 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
       What a guy!   
---------------------------------------------------------------  

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  They must be UNION! 
------------------------------------------------------  

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

War Dims Hope for Peace  
I can see where it might have that effect! 
---------------------------------------------------------------- 

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
      Who would have thought! 
---------------------------------------------------------------- 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
      They may be on to something! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------  

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 ---------------- ---------------------------------  

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
*************************************************** 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
       Boy, are they tall! 
 *******************************************  

And the winner is....  
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
  
     Did I read that right? 
***************************************************